Friday, February 21, 2014

Jeanne Who? She's still here.

I was nudged by a buddy.
"Hey, isn't time to update 'Jeanne Who?' "

Yes, yes it is.  I have been putting it off. 
How much do I tell?  Do you really want to know?
Do I sugar coat it? 

I am thinking that maybe if I just tell my story, I can stop putting it off and continue on with the moving forward.  Good Plan. So here goes.

I moved out of the original Bees Knees Bungalow house and into my apartment, B2, in May. 
The divorce was final in December.  I am seven months into this new life.  I'd like to say that I stayed super brave, remained strong and started my own greeting card company to inspire others. However, I am not there yet.

I was warned that this first year would be the toughest year of my life.
I underestimated how true that would be. In my life I have lost babies and moved across country, leaving my family and friends. I know grief.  But this year was a new kind of tough. The nights I do not have my children are very long and very quiet. That is not easy when I am used to a household of six.  Loneliness is big and ugly. It is not good for me and I do not do it well.  That is hard to admit.  Out loud, in blogland.   

I've second guessed everything. Especially and inexplicably at 4:22 am. That's when I automatically wake up and every decision I've ever made since 1985 comes to mind. In the dark, I am absolutely sure that all decisions from that point forward have been wrong and will continue to be wrong.  I am positive that I have hurt everyone and everything in my wake.  
I really have grown to dislike 4:22.  A miracle happens and I fall asleep again.  By 6:10 am when the alarm goes off and I'm done hitting snooze, all is right in my world and I carry on.



In between my moments of stellar strength and utter terror, I do have moments of clarity.  Thank goodness for that.  I am finding my voice, growing a backbone, sticking up for myself and standing taller.  This has not been easy.  I am literally teaching myself how to do it.  I have realized that for a very long time I had no voice.  I have one now.  My girlfriends remind me tirelessly with unwavering support.  I take lots of baths. With eucalyptus bath salts to be specific. I've soaked my way to strength.  I remember to cut myself a break. 

To combat the quiet and regain control, I've scheduled a few things to keep me busy.  I've found that too many nights of DIY and giant glasses of iced coffee does me no good.  Instead, I've made plans with the kids, scheduled volunteering events, started revisiting the project list and spent time on a treadmill.  It's working.  I've already had less 4:22 am wake-ups.  I do not watch sad movies.  I do make sure to laugh.  I surround myself with only positive people.




How long till that one year is up?  

In May, my friends said to give it one year to see how different my life is as compared to where I started.

In February they are saying; 'Look how far you've come!'

xo jeanne.





16 comments:

  1. I've been where you are. My time was 4:20, not 4:22. It will get easier, but honestly even after all these years I still hate the times the kids are not here. And I take epsom salt baths. Keep your chin up!

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    1. Thank You Paula. My chin is firmly in the upright position. I promise. xo J.

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  2. You've come a long way indeed. You will be amazed by how far you can go, I'm sure of it. - Q.

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    1. Thank goodness for you my dear Q. It must be like watching a guppy turn into a full fledged fish. I'm learning to swim. xo J.

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  3. Thanks for sharing Jeanne~ Someone dear to me is going through the exact same thing. Stay strong and keep on keeping on! This too shall pass!!

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    1. Nat, Hugs to your Someone Dear. Tell her to not go backwards. Forward only. Look ahead, never back. xo j.

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  4. Stay strong. Wish I had something perfectly profound to say, but you've got people out here in blogland cheering you on!

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    1. Cheering is profound. I'll take it!! I can hear you all loud and clear. I miss you! mama bee! xo j.

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  5. I've wondered how you were doing and coping. Seems you are doing far better than you realize - it's very difficult, especially those quiet times (damn that 4:22!!), but it truly does get better. At some point you will smile and realize how much you've grown. You're doing very well. Please know we're all here for you!

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    1. Betty, thank you so much. Quiet is a tough one. Somewhere in the is the peace. I'll find it.

      xo j.

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  6. Try to remember it took many, many years to get where you are, and it will take many more to get to where you want to be...it all takes time...A friend of mine gave me a story about a lady who planned on going one place, and was sidetracked and never quite made it there...the moral of the story was that you find different things to be joyful about, meet lots of different people, and ultimately, end up exactly where you are supposed to be. Keep your kids close and things will work out....my time was always 3:00 a.m. by the way...must be a universal "change is hard" type thing?

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    1. Miss Terri. I know you are a veteran and have been in my shoes. Believe me I see you and where you are now. You inspire me, truly.

      xo j.

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  7. Wow Jeanne,

    I ad to look back to see how long I have been following you. It's been since Feb. 2011 when you did that miraculous make over on your bathroom. I am quite certain that you,with all your skills,are quite capable of overcoming any obstacle...whether you like it or not. I myself always wish God would just overlook me...when my friends say...God won't give you more than you can handle. But like you, I am a survivor...and no matter what (and I gone thru a list of tragedies)...I overcome. I'm with your (other) friends who say...just look how far you've come on this trip called life.

    Gloria in Virginia

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    1. Gloria! Hello! I miss you! Thank you for stopping by. :) Thank you for your kind words of support. Somehow, someway to keep digging and finding those skills. You are right when you say obstacles. Hurdles. There must be a finish line - somewhere.

      xo j.

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  8. Just found your blog... I've been where you are and have found myself back there now, but as a grandma. (Daughter going through a very rough time- long story- and I'm taking care of my two granddaughters). While it's hard now, it does get easier. But it sounds like you are finding your way, helping others by volunteering and building your new life. It can be scary but in a way, exciting too. Sending you prayers and hugs for your new journey... I'll be following your progress :)

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  9. Theresa, welcome to bkb! Thank you for your great words of encouragement. Scary, but exciting you.
    You are right. My days of discovery are big and huge and you are so correct - excitement. Thank you for saying it. Hug those grand babies!

    xo j.

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I love your comments! You sweet people, I love to hear your ideas.
Thanks for your patience and following the bkb!

(Recently, I had to add word verification to cut down on icky spammers.
It's no fun getting 40 comments on how super handy it is to purchase viagra.)

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