I was nudged by a buddy.
"Hey, isn't time to update 'Jeanne Who?' "
Yes, yes it is. I have been putting it off.
How much do I tell? Do you really want to know?
Do I sugar coat it?
I am thinking that maybe if I just tell my story, I can stop putting it off and continue on with the moving forward. Good Plan. So here goes.
I moved out of the original Bees Knees Bungalow house and into my apartment, B2, in May.
The divorce was final in December. I am seven months into this new life. I'd like to say that I stayed super brave, remained strong and started my own greeting card company to inspire others. However, I am not there yet.
I was warned that this first year would be the toughest year of my life.
I underestimated how true that would be. In my life I have lost babies and moved across country, leaving my family and friends. I know grief. But this year was a new kind of tough. The nights I do not have my children are very long and very quiet. That is not easy when I am used to a household of six. Loneliness is big and ugly. It is not good for me and I do not do it well. That is hard to admit. Out loud, in blogland.
I've second guessed everything. Especially and inexplicably at 4:22 am. That's when I automatically wake up and every decision I've ever made since 1985 comes to mind. In the dark, I am absolutely sure that all decisions from that point forward have been wrong and will continue to be wrong. I am positive that I have hurt everyone and everything in my wake.
I really have grown to dislike 4:22. A miracle happens and I fall asleep again. By 6:10 am when the alarm goes off and I'm done hitting snooze, all is right in my world and I carry on.
In between my moments of stellar strength and utter terror, I do have moments of clarity. Thank goodness for that. I am finding my voice, growing a backbone, sticking up for myself and standing taller. This has not been easy. I am literally teaching myself how to do it. I have realized that for a very long time I had no voice. I have one now. My girlfriends remind me tirelessly with unwavering support. I take lots of baths. With eucalyptus bath salts to be specific. I've soaked my way to strength. I remember to cut myself a break.
To combat the quiet and regain control, I've scheduled a few things to keep me busy. I've found that too many nights of DIY and giant glasses of iced coffee does me no good. Instead, I've made plans with the kids, scheduled volunteering events, started revisiting the project list and spent time on a treadmill. It's working. I've already had less 4:22 am wake-ups. I do not watch sad movies. I do make sure to laugh. I surround myself with only positive people.
How long till that one year is up?
In May, my friends said to give it one year to see how different my life is as compared to where I started.
In February they are saying; 'Look how far you've come!'