I scurried to the back of the bus. The driver was one of those who starts moving before everyone is seated. I quickly sat down next to a woman who was reading a book.
Now you have to know that there is etiquette to bus riding. These are business people. Usually 90% are dressed in business attire. Though in winter we all look like we’re from the 40’s in big heavy dark coats. But pushed into 2013 with Ipod earbuds and tunes coming out of those coats.
You move over a little if someone sits next to you. There is the dreaded ‘repeated elbow bumper’ which can drive a person insane at 7:00 am if the bumper doesn’t do the required aforementioned moving over. Getting back to the woman I sat next to this morning:
I sat down. She did not move over. She had a ‘wide load’ meaning briefcase and big book. She did not do the silent bus riding rule- ‘scrunch it all in so the person next to you doesn’t have to deal with it.’
I immediately saw that I had failed in my choice of quick seat taking. There was no such scooch over. Which meant that my right ass cheek had to firmly hold on for dear life for the next 25 minutes. And let’s face it, bus seats don’t have much to grip onto in the first place. My butt had to work overtime.
The kicker here is that the book she was reading was the Bible. It not pocket sized. It was full, big book size. Spread open wide. This woman loves the Lord. I know she loves the Lord and His Word, because not only was she engrossed and leaning into it….but the scriptures were underlined AND highlighted. Both. Her highlighter was in hand and ready to further enlighten. Its binding was protected in a plastic cover-like a 1960’s couch. No, there was no scooching over. She was reading Matthew. She became an elbow bumper when she turned each page. Still, no scooch. No amount of scooching or adjusting that I did gave her a hint.
She was hintless.
Now I am pretty sure the Lord loves both our butts. Hers was nice and cozy, warm in her seat, allowing her to get her daily dose in. My butt however, was half suspended in mid air. When there was a few sharp turns, I can assure you I was praying to the Lord that my arse would not fail me and my right cheek was fortified enough to hold me in place.
I attempted to remain cool and glamorous looking, of course.
I made it safely to work. This is a case of “burn the non-scoocher into memory” so I remember not to sit next to her again. My ass simply can’t take it.